Love Rant 4

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Welp. This may very well be the last entry in my ‘Love’ series. And what a dramatic doozy. Could make a movie out of this, really.

I waited 2 months for the perfect job, used up all my savings and resources after being unemployed most of last year, and finally got it. And after a month, my boss decided I wasn’t a ‘good fit’ and let me go. Just like that.

It was a shock to both my ex-partner and I, and while I get that it puts a strain on him. It puts a way bigger strain on me. I am taking steps to fix my situation and get my life on track but him getting into his super-anxious paranoid mode is not helping. This is a behavior he does every time something stressful comes up. He immediately needs to fix it and can’t wait even one day. Which is hypocritical considering when I need something from him, even simple stuff, hes takes his sweet damn time, if it gets done at all.

In 2 days he went from sympathy to cold-hearted. He went from letting me stay for a while until I found something, to treating me like trash he wants thrown out as soon as possible. I’m no longer useful, so I need to be gone. I’m disposable and unimportant. He went from saying he could carry the apt on his own, to saying I’ve only paid $300 this month so I should pay off the couch but let him have it anyway to make up for it.

Is this how he treated his exes? As soon as he wasn’t getting out of them what he wanted, they may as well not exist? As long as all HIS needs were fulfilled, he was all sweet and loving. It’s not like I’ve sat back and took him for all he’s worth. He acknowledged, several times, how hard I’ve been trying to contribute as much as I can and keep things fair. But now, despite me doing dishes, laundry, vacuuming, decorating, and anything else I can, he doesn’t care.

To go from ‘oh, I love you so much’, to ‘fuck you, get out’ makes me realize that what I said months ago was true. I was a convenience to him. He’d take anyone who put up with him and gave him what he wanted. I’m replaceable. That’s not love. That’s emotional manipulation to keep me around and now that I’m not falling for it, I’m just junk in his way.

Losing my job was not my fault. I did nothing wrong. I’m already going to lose almost everything, so punishing me further because life kicked me in the teeth is fucking cruel. He has never been homeless or at rock bottom. Someone has always taken care of him. He is spoiled and sheltered and despite being ‘giving’ and ‘generous’ when he’s trying to get someone to like him, he is a selfish child a lot of the time.

I really cared about him. I tried to change who I was at a deep level to be with him. I was willing to work and build to make a good and happy life. A clean, cozy, fun life. To be tossed aside like none of that mattered is so fucking hurtful. I don’t deserve it. It costs him so little to give me a little time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move forward. But he is so impatient when it’s something he wants! He wants it, now, now, right fucking now!

Well tough. I am not a bitch, I can be an anxiety-riddled, irritated mess, but I am not malicious. However, now I need to survive. So. I’m on the lease. He can’t kick me off the lease. He legally can’t kick me out. So I’m changing my mind from when I said he could kick me out anytime. I am going to stay in this apartment until I have somewhere else to go or another solution presents itself and tough fucking tits if he doesn’t like it.

I’ll still do the chores. I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me. What he chooses to do is on him. I will not let this situation turn me cold and cruel. I will not be an asshole, no matter how much he pushes. I will get past this, get through this, survive this, survive him, and then when we’re both free. . . I will probably never talk to him again.

Hope he has a great life. I thank him for what he has done for me over the last 8 months. I have never lied. I DO appreciate it and know what a gift it was. And I am truly, deeply sorry I could not give him what he needed, be who he needed. I truly never wanted to hurt him, cost him, or mess up his life. I just want him to keep in mind, I did not do this on purpose. And I have done everything in my power to make things good. And it sucks that life has fucked me and I haven’t been able to do what I wanted and be happy and have money and all that.

I’ve lived through way worse than this. I’ll find a way.

When I brought this up with him, he said ‘I think it wasn’t true, that you didn’t want to take advantage of me’. Like I planned or wanted any of this. I’ve been alone and self-sufficient most of my life. I told him multiple times, ‘I didn’t need him, I wanted him’. But as soon as my life goes to shit, I’m a leech. If the situation were reversed, how would he want me to treat him? But of course, if it were reversed, he would have his family to run back to and take care of him.

I’m never good enough. No matter what I do. I’m always the bad guy no matter how hard I try. I feel gas-lighted. Like he put on a mask the last 8 months to keep me around and as soon it got hard, really hard, he dropped it.

He’s always been more concerned about money and security and how things affect him than us as a couple, or me as a person. I should have seen it. Before he’d ask if I was ok, he’d ask something about how whatever happened affected him. That’s not caring about your partner. That’s caring about your self and using your partner as a tool, an extension for your own comfort.

He says he did so much for me, that I haven’t given him enough credit. But I have, over and over. Maybe he’s not giving me enough credit for what I have brought to the relationship. Except for money and sex, he’s gotten care, cleanliness, financial advice which raised his credit score and reduced his debt, fun, new experiences, someone to talk to and spend time with, a second brain since he doesn’t use his much, a cat, someone who put up with his mental issues, moments of joy and laughter, surprise gifts and visits, cookies, new recipes, top-notch holidays, and something to do, since he does nothing.

He has no passion, no interests. He will literally stand up and wander around and sit back down like a sim with no instruction, because he has nothing to occupy his mind or time without someone doing it for him. Someone to plan for him, tell him where to go and what to do. Or else he’d just sit around. Boring doesn’t cover it. He’s as exciting as a houseplant.

His life was a literal mess when I met him and me organizing it and improving it wasn’t enough. It’s been 2 days, and he’s telling me to get a job and pay my part of the rent or get out. What kind of person does a 180 THAT fast? A fake one. What kind of person doesn’t give someone a few days to breathe when something horrible happens? A selfish, uncaring one.

So that’s how the story of my first LTR will end. In ashes. From twitterpated and thinking he was the ‘one’, my unicorn, the love of my life. . . to being so utterly heartbroken and abandoned it makes my head spin.