I’m tired.
I’m just so deeply, horribly, painfully, soul-drainingly tired.
My birthday was on Monday. I got a few Facebook posts. A bit of money via Venmo. One phone call.
Whereas, my ‘gifts’ list for my friends includes their birthdays, favorites, Hogwarts house, etc. I list things they might like months in advance. In years past, I’ve been the planner, the doer, the organizer, the one who puts it all together so everyone can have a memory.
No one has ever done that for me. No one has ever put in the effort for me I do for others. Not my parents, my siblings, my friends, my SO, my roommates.
And I’m just so tired.
No one asked what my plans were, what I might like to do. No one offered to take me somewhere, make my day special.
Then there’s the lack of care and consideration that pervades my everyday life and has as long as I can remember.
I’m the oldest daughter. The one assigned against her will to raise children I didn’t birth. The one who was the ‘role model’, the ‘example’, the ‘responsible one’.
Who grew into the ‘people pleaser’, the ‘caregiver’, the ‘mom friend’. And who has been taken advantage of in that role over and over and over.
And I’m just so tired.
Everyone I have ever lived with has left it to me. The remembering, the organizing, the shopping, the buying, the decisions, the emotional labor. I’ve had to mete out chores like their mother. Then remind and nag and beg for help.
Which make me the bitch, not them the asswipe who pushes me to that.
I’m not ‘Mommy Dearest’. I don’t expect spotless. But if your chore is the trash, take it out before it’s overflowing and put the bin back when it’s gone. And trash includes the living room, bathroom, and laundry room trash.
Half-assing a chore is not doing a chore. Half-assing is leaving the rest to me and thinking you’ve contributed. Half-assing is saying you’ve cleaned the bathroom and leaving bits of toilet paper behind the toilet, spots of toothpaste on the wall, soap scum under your shampoo bottle.
It’s not anal retentive to clean those things. It’s basic maintenance. And by not doing it, you are leaving it to me and thinking you’re contibuting.
And I’m so fucking tired.
I’m tired of promises and no follow through. I’m tired of having to remind at all and getting push-bask to ‘put it on a list’ like I’m the bad guy for finally saying something. I’m tired of it taking me 30 minutes to clean the kitchen after you taking three because your grease on the stove buttons and hood don’t exist unless I see it.
I’m tired of being everyone’s mom. I’m tired of no one taking care of me. I’m tired of it falling to me or simply not getting done at all. I’m tired of being the responsible one. I’m tired of trying and doing and spending my time and emotional reserve when you don’t have to.
I’m tired of being empathetic. Of being the caregiver. I’m tired of giving a shit.
I’m just so fucking tired.
ZoeGraves 